You Will Be A Butterfly

 

We live in transformative times.  Whether due to Covid-19 or George Floyd, some of us are in crisis.  It might be a midlife crisis—recognition of our own mortality.  Twenty years ago, I got a phone call that there was a murder in Des Moines.  This call began my transformation.

Some people react emotionally.  My sister heard the news and cried.  The next morning, she was not in condition to drive.  My reaction was more Harold and Maude at a funeral.  I had no reaction.  I couldn’t have a reaction because in my world, murder is not possible.  It’s barbaric.  It’s stupid.  It’s a long-term solution to a short-term problem.  I drove calmly to father’s house.  I would try to help.  A calm demeanor was a good thing.  Point one: In a crisis, stay calm if you can.  Or cry, if that’s what you do.  How you react is something additional that you need not worry about.

A key decision had been made by my father.  We would not respond to media. The family spokesman would be an attorney related by past marriage to my murdered step-mother and murdered step-sister.    That was a good decision he made.  In a crisis, the 6 o’clock news features your story.   What news reports is of little concern.  If you need to communicate to media for a business purpose, you get a spokesman.  The phone will ring.  You don’t answer.  Or have a spokesman communicate a message.  In a crisis, your world transforms.  You are not the best person to describe what is going on to the outside world.  (Our spokeswoman didn’t respond to media.)  My focus and the reason I was there was children.  The story was four newly orphaned children at my father’s house.  They had lost their mother, father and grandmother due to family murder—a murder-suicide by the father. 

This crisis was transforming me.  Forces inside me were tugging and pulling.  I looked the same on the outside but on the inside, I was becoming a different person.  My identity was that of an engineer, a problem solver, a technical expert.  Now I was being called to look after kids, be a sitter, be an authority figure.  There are people who deal with murders every day and it is not a crisis for them to do their jobs.  What made this a crisis for me was that I was dealing with issues I had never dealt with.   I was being stretched but at least some of time I felt more satisfaction than my career was giving me. Also, there was a career crisis going on inside me, maybe also a midlife crisis.  My self was changing in response to the  world that I found myself in.  Maybe, I was finishing growing up.    In a crisis, you metamorphosize like a caterpillar changing to a butterfly.  Being a sitter to kids reminded me of a life goal to be a parent.

In a crisis, you use your coping tools.    I cope by writing my thoughts.  I wrote and wrote for weeks.  Friends who saw my emails read long updates.  I was redefining myself as someone who would make sure the next generation of children were looked after.  Everything about my situation was being redefined.   I planned next steps.  As the crisis passed, I moved to the Bay Area, gave my technical career a last chance and moved on to new experiences.  I was no longer in a world where murder couldn’t happen, it had happened.  My transformation from career focused technical person to liberated worker and married guy took two to seven years.

The events happened when I was 37.  Now I am 59.  I see others in crisis based on Covid-19 impacts or current politics.  My insides were stressed twenty years ago.  I became more resilient.  There is no crisis in my life right now though I relate to the crises of others.

To summarize, my advice to you if you might be getting transformed because you are not designed for the world you find yourself in? 1. Cry or stay calm.  This is a crisis, you are allowed.  2.  Stay out the media or find a spokesperson—you are not objective.  Someone else is.  3. Use your coping skills.  For me, this meant writing down the events.  I actually put personal plans and financial and career plans on paper.  Maybe you have family members or mentors to help you cope.

In a crisis, you find yourself in a world that you didn’t know existed and that you aren’t built to deal with.  On the other side of your crisis, you will be a different person.  At least on the inside, you will be a butterfly.