My message is that our biggest life decisions typically
occur when we are burdened with the most stress. Stress can make us irrational. Therefore, it is important to be deliberate
and analytical before making a major life decision. We don't want to be second guessing our
biggest decisions. We need to be
comfortable with both our decision and our decision making process, so that we
are not tempted to finger point ourselves or others in the years to come.
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Each day, I cross the San Raphael Bridge into Marin
County. The bridge is not as beautiful
as Golden Gate, but the San Francisco Bay has beauty and mountains are
ahead. I am on the way to work at my
career of sixteen years. The career
matches my identity. Product development
engineer. My biggest triumphs are from
this career. I like starting up
products. My company used to do a lot
more of this. There are no big products
planned, so far as I can tell, and I've been looking hard to find something. I feel
slightly dizzy from acrophobia. I hate
crossing this bridge. If I keep crossing it, I likely will continue with my
career for decades more. I’ve given
serious thought. I may decide in the
next month or two to walk away from my career.
A year earlier, family news is page one of the Des Moines
Register. My step-mother, age 69, is
murdered by a son-in-law. Her daughter
is murdered by the husband who kills himself.
I am at my childhood home in West Des Moines with my father, four
orphans and assorted family. My
responsibilities are minimal, nonetheless, I feel important here. I function well in crisis. I help keep the ship relatively level.
A lot goes through my head.
Should I adopt an orphan? It
sounds ill-conceived for a single man in his late 30's to adopt an 11 year old.
But, I am getting more satisfaction from being present for parent-less children
than I am getting from my career. Should
I take over the business that the murdered people had? It might make sense except I have none of the
business skills. People under stress
have heightened insights and eureka moments, but not every idea is great.
There is a psychological test, the Holmes Rahe Stress
Indicator. Based on the murders of
close relatives, our stress level is in the red zone per criteria and we are at increased
risk of illness. My father and other
members of my family manifest this stress visibly. I hear conspiracies conjured from wild emotions.
I seek good advice.
An attorney provides me with professional opinions about helping the
orphans. The plan that he relays makes
more sense than me being a guardian. A
counsellor for families of murder victims tells me not to make any big
decisions for the next six to twelve months.
I respect that insight also.
You in the audience are under stress. Last month I met some
of you and learned how one of you did your best art when your mother was dying. The death of a spouse- 100 points on the
Holmes Rahe scale- affects one of you. My father never got beyond that. A wedding is planned.
Happy news. Also, stressful. A business to make financially viable. Careers to navigate. A promotion is a source of stress! People in this room face stress like I did. Trauma affects all of us.
When under stress, there three rules to follow.
1) Seek and follow the professional advice of dispassionate experts-- attorneys, financial planners, therapists.
2) Don't make big decisions that you might later regret like the bankrupt lottery winners we hear about.
3) Use decision matrices to assure we listen to the less emotional parts of our brains.
My expertise at that time was to develop products. One of the tools I used was decision
matrices, sometimes referred to by quality engineers as quality functional deployment. I am not going to talk about product development
today. I am going to talk about the use
of this business tool for making life decisions. In business, we talk about products worth
millions of dollars, and perhaps more zeros than six. Major life decisions have comparable value to the biggest business decisions we face.
Math. We need to use
our math brains. Here is the tool I have
used for my biggest life decisions.
To start we define "considerations". What is important to us? How do I measure life success? Is it family, health, finance, social? That might be your list. My list is something like that.
If you are stuck, start with my list. Also ask, "Who are your role models and
what criteria would they use to measure life success." Include scuba diving if that’s what makes
your life worthwhile.
The other step is to define your dreams. What options are you considering? Where?
How?
Go back to school?
Find a new job? Travel? In specific terms, what are your dreams?
Then, assign points.
Go Back to School. How does that
rate from the perspective of "family," 0-10?
How does "health" rate, 0-10, if you go back to school? Finance.
How does that rate 0-10?
When you rate, this will beg questions. Can I afford going back to
school, 0-10? Will going back to school
get me a well-paying job, 0-10? Is
shorter term or longer term finance more important? Maybe, longer term gets weighted 60% and
short-term 40%. Maybe, you have no direct path to a certain dream.
The first run through of your matrix is not the right answer. Keep going until the math and the logic
behind the math looks right to you. If
you don't like the way the exercise turned out, adjust the parameters until you
like the way it turned out. Your emotions still get to vote.
Then wait a week and if you like what you did last
week, you might have a plan for yourself.
The matrices are just one part of three, though. Listen to objective professional people such
as attorneys and psychological help, as might be appropriate. Let
the six months or a year pass before taking a major leap you might later
regret. Most people have wedding engagements that long. Give yourself the same time to adjust. Test the assumptions of your matrix by learning more. For example, learn the strategic plan of the company you plan to leave or to join. Finally, Part 3, redo the math of the decision matrix.
You want to make your major life decisions with as much
thought as a company would use for major business decisions.
I confirmed my fears about the changes in my company, then
one day didn’t cross the San Raphael bridge.
Instead, I joined a writers group, volunteered at a radio station where
I did a talk show, went to career fairs, joined social groups, became active in professional societies, networked,
volunteered various places, became a Toastmasters leader.
I had expected to find product development opportunities but
was intimidated by biotech, Google and the state of technology in the Bay
Area. Financially, I was doing
okay. I had always saved more than I
spent. Stocks went up. Housing prices went up. I had cash flow and retirement money. But, I wasn’t confident about this sustaining. I
downsized. I travelled. I settled down.
I have been married 17 years to a talented woman that I have
known since even before the family murder tragedy. I am leading an after school group at my
eight year old daughter’s school. I am
telling you my story of crossing a bridge. Life is good. My new identity is as a father and family member.
All of us face stress which brings out emotions and
sometimes insight. We have the tools and resources to make forward thinking
decisions. When we use a solid, careful,
well thought out analytical decision making process before making our big
leaps, there is no regret.
