You Will Be A Butterfly

 

We live in transformative times.  Whether due to Covid-19 or George Floyd, some of us are in crisis.  It might be a midlife crisis—recognition of our own mortality.  Twenty years ago, I got a phone call that there was a murder in Des Moines.  This call began my transformation.

Some people react emotionally.  My sister heard the news and cried.  The next morning, she was not in condition to drive.  My reaction was more Harold and Maude at a funeral.  I had no reaction.  I couldn’t have a reaction because in my world, murder is not possible.  It’s barbaric.  It’s stupid.  It’s a long-term solution to a short-term problem.  I drove calmly to father’s house.  I would try to help.  A calm demeanor was a good thing.  Point one: In a crisis, stay calm if you can.  Or cry, if that’s what you do.  How you react is something additional that you need not worry about.

A key decision had been made by my father.  We would not respond to media. The family spokesman would be an attorney related by past marriage to my murdered step-mother and murdered step-sister.    That was a good decision he made.  In a crisis, the 6 o’clock news features your story.   What news reports is of little concern.  If you need to communicate to media for a business purpose, you get a spokesman.  The phone will ring.  You don’t answer.  Or have a spokesman communicate a message.  In a crisis, your world transforms.  You are not the best person to describe what is going on to the outside world.  (Our spokeswoman didn’t respond to media.)  My focus and the reason I was there was children.  The story was four newly orphaned children at my father’s house.  They had lost their mother, father and grandmother due to family murder—a murder-suicide by the father. 

This crisis was transforming me.  Forces inside me were tugging and pulling.  I looked the same on the outside but on the inside, I was becoming a different person.  My identity was that of an engineer, a problem solver, a technical expert.  Now I was being called to look after kids, be a sitter, be an authority figure.  There are people who deal with murders every day and it is not a crisis for them to do their jobs.  What made this a crisis for me was that I was dealing with issues I had never dealt with.   I was being stretched but at least some of time I felt more satisfaction than my career was giving me. Also, there was a career crisis going on inside me, maybe also a midlife crisis.  My self was changing in response to the  world that I found myself in.  Maybe, I was finishing growing up.    In a crisis, you metamorphosize like a caterpillar changing to a butterfly.  Being a sitter to kids reminded me of a life goal to be a parent.

In a crisis, you use your coping tools.    I cope by writing my thoughts.  I wrote and wrote for weeks.  Friends who saw my emails read long updates.  I was redefining myself as someone who would make sure the next generation of children were looked after.  Everything about my situation was being redefined.   I planned next steps.  As the crisis passed, I moved to the Bay Area, gave my technical career a last chance and moved on to new experiences.  I was no longer in a world where murder couldn’t happen, it had happened.  My transformation from career focused technical person to liberated worker and married guy took two to seven years.

The events happened when I was 37.  Now I am 59.  I see others in crisis based on Covid-19 impacts or current politics.  My insides were stressed twenty years ago.  I became more resilient.  There is no crisis in my life right now though I relate to the crises of others.

To summarize, my advice to you if you might be getting transformed because you are not designed for the world you find yourself in? 1. Cry or stay calm.  This is a crisis, you are allowed.  2.  Stay out the media or find a spokesperson—you are not objective.  Someone else is.  3. Use your coping skills.  For me, this meant writing down the events.  I actually put personal plans and financial and career plans on paper.  Maybe you have family members or mentors to help you cope.

In a crisis, you find yourself in a world that you didn’t know existed and that you aren’t built to deal with.  On the other side of your crisis, you will be a different person.  At least on the inside, you will be a butterfly.

 

Democratic Republic of Congo-- the most important thing

The most important thing is baseball.  My mind works best with baseball.  As a child, I tried to play.  I tried so hard that my arm could likely benefit from one of the baseball surgeries.  I thought about the stats.  Why aren't they playing Steve Braun?  He hit .300 last year.  As a ten year old, I met slugger Harmon Killebrew, a really good man.   I attended full seasons full of home games in Minnesota and Oakland.  We had tickets this year, too.  Pay full attention or just surround yourself with the atmosphere, the game works either way.  Root for your team or root for your fantasy players, the game works either way.  Focus on grit or focus on numbers, the game works.  Focus on the labor issues which rarely favor the players or label the players "bums", either way there is emotional investment.  Bring  a child, just watch her and you are having a good day.  Baseball is a lens into our psyches.  It's not surprising that sport writers are the most read.  Baseball can feel like the most important thing.  

Except, the most important thing is politics.  Is our council member representing diversity?  She claims to be.  Is she?  What about Peking Garden?  Why did she allow Peking Garden to close?  Certainly, she will help find them a home.  The business was not even damaged by those who looted or those who set buildings on fire!  It seems like all of the power is in the hands of the soccer stadium people! My neighbors care little about soccer, but having businesses nearby is important to us!  Even neglecting the national stage, it is easy to get wrapped up in the politics of our neighborhoods or schools or states.

Except, the most important thing is COVID-19-- trillions of dollars of global impact, a million deaths likely, probably 200000+ US deaths this year.  People talking as if nothing is the matter when my wife's cousin's son (we see him every year around Christmas time) spent a month on a ventilator.  He was athletic.  He was healthy.  The Star Tribune wrote about him twice.  At least he got better, but who knows about long-term consequences.  My father-in-law's friend at the nursing home died in about a week.  Yes, it kills.  Please take it seriously.  No, there are no known miracle cures, cult members.  Why is this disease a political issue?  It is a medical issue.  Yes, good sleep habits do actually help viral response per Scientific American, so we agree there.  No, my child can distance learn just fine.  Yes, working parents do probably need schools to be open if that is possible or else disadvantaged children get left behind.  That's what The Economist says.  No, it's not going away, but I bet I am vaccinated by this time next year.  There may be light at the end of the tunnel.  We mostly do fine with the right attitude when we stay careful.

Adversity, such as dealing with COVID-19,  focuses us on what's important, which brings us to George Floyd.  Police brutality and systematic racism is an important thing.  Apparently, those issues weren't solved in the 1960s.  Yes, black lives matter.

Per my personal experience, domestic abuse is the most important thing.  My step-sister was murdered by the husband.  My step-mother was murdered just for being involved.  The murderer at least had sense enough to kill himself, too.  This happened in 1999, the week before Columbine and Des Moines Register columnists referred to it as "the ordinary type" of murder.  Though I chose not to examine the blood stained ceiling, the experience of dealing with familial violence, especially the affected children, impacts me to this day.

Did I mention school shootings?  They just keep getting deadlier post-Columbine.  If somehow protesters are able to solve policing issues and domestic violence issues, school shootings would be a good pivot for those with marching shoes.

These are all important issues and lives will rightly be devoted toward solving them.  But, what is THE MOST important thing?  For the world to actually be a better place requires we prioritize. Nazis murdered people in concentration camps.  People prioritized.  The world is better with Nazis gone.   Eradication of this particular evil is a little bit like eradication of Smallpox.  The world can now focus on the next major disease.

The answer, the most important thing globally, is likely not found at my house, but I may be able to find the answer in my neighborhood.  I will tell you the answer that I have found.

Where is life the least valued?  Where are the most deaths, rapes and displacements?  Based on conversations with my refugee neighbors, the area most in need, now and for at least the previous couple of decades, is the Democratic Republic of Congo.  My neighbors have started an organization to deal with impacted families-- Good Samaritan Disciples.  My interview with them is here-- KALX interview .

Where is the evil?  Those in Africa who use rape as a weapon of war toward profiting from mineral resources seem world class evil to me.   Though less targeted, it may be comparable to the murder of Jews in the 1930s and 1940s.  The world's  worst behavior should be eradicated  and is worth our attention.  Please support the Mukwege Foundation  (Denis Mukwege won a Nobel Peace Prize) or contact my neighbors at Good Samaritan Disciples to help deal with this.

Baseball isn't really the most important thing.  In reality, the most important thing to me is closer to home.  It's my family.  It's my daughter.  The slow route to changing the world may also be the most effective-- giving love to the next generation.  But, that doesn't stop us from trying to help where it is needed.  Families impacted by war in DRC need help.  Helping them improves the human condition. However we can improve the human condition is the most important thing.